Aphrodite was considered to be the most beautiful goddess in the heavens. The type of woman that wars were fought over and for. Yet, her figure was not size zero. She was not the type of woman who chose discomfort over the pleasures in life. Perhaps that’s what beauty is about, not size but the strength to love what you do. To have no regrets with the small life that we have and that, to me, is beautiful.
People say brown eyes are boring, but yours are more than just brown.
I find that yours are the sweetest of chocolates, Honey in sunlight, charcoal clouds, illuminating with intensity.
They hold every emotion and thought. Every secret. All laying behind those delicate eye lashes, teasing with truths.
You are more than the bland, tasteless oppinions tied to your eyes.
For eyes are the windows to the soul, and my love, yours are what constations consist of.
How they see me feels better than any heaven imagined,
So honey, be all the things your eyes say you are.
These past two months have been a constant challenge in personal growth. I had to learn I will not understand everything. I will not have an answer for everything. I will not be able to “fix” what is not mine to. All things that have brought me to a very chaotic clarity.
I had to dig through the mess that my life was turning into, and fined a grain of hope. I had lost so many things I held dear, and was losing myself in the process. I had been lazy and relied heavily on what was becoming a toxic relationship. Of all the times I had to peel myself off the floor this was one of the most difficult. For I had to help my mother do the same.
Through everything I am going and have gone through, I have never been happier. Any day I find myself not wishing that my world would go dark is a good day. All the days I can still find a reason to smile brings me closer to where I want to be.
I would like to say that I never find myself thinking others lives would be better in my absence. But I can say those days are not constant anymore. The times that the world seems more dark than light take strength to live through.
I commend those who are going or have gone through it. It can break every part of you. So thank you for those who are still here. You give people like me a community in which every dark day becomes survivable.
Today was better than many, and today that is enough.
The worst part is
people asking how you are
and the long pause between the truth
And how things used to be.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t say what you needed to hear. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that person you needed me to be. I wish it could be different. But I hold no regrets.
I hope youre doing better, even though I know you’re not. It’s been over a month since I saw you last, and that is a painful pill to swallow. I know I might not be the best person for you, as selfish as it would be to still pretend I was.
I’m sorry I couldn’t make your scars go away. I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough.
I am trying my best to work for my future. Yet I feel the suffocating breath of my past breathing down my back.
I will not let who I used to be ruin who I am now. I am not the child with no voice or confidence anymore. I refuse to stoop to toxic levels to get my point across.
My greatest hope is for those who were too much like me to become someone they admire and respect. I wish this knowing I am not completely there yet, and pray that day will come soon.
It’s hard for me to understand unconditional love. It really doesn’t make sense to me. I will love with all my heart and give all of me. But it all comes with conditions.
I can care for you and not love you. I can charish the memories we had and know our future can never be the same. I won’t force a love that should come as easy as breathing.
I see that love takes work for it to be sustainable. But I need to see something worth giving everything to, only then can I say it’s love.
You can love yourself but still want to change into something better. This does not mean you don’t appreciate who you are, it means you’re open to personal growth and development.
The day you close yourself off to growth and instead become stagnant is the day you dwell on the past. Generations 30years my senior are those who made me realize this. They believe that everything wrong in the world today is the work of ignorant, lazy, entitled melenials, such as myself. It isn’t until they actually talk to me that they acknowledge that they had preconceived notions that can’t stand on their own.
I believe you can’t judge an entire generation of people without knowing their stories. Now you may say “isn’t that what you’re doing talking about your elders” and my response is the elders I am talking about are the ones I have met and personally spoken with. I know plenty of others who are supportive and address the fact my generation has been handed a shit hand in society.
So today I ask that instead of becoming stagnant in your opinions, open up a dialogue with someone who may not fully agree with you. I am not talking about picking a fight, I am talking about creating an opportunity for personal growth. In today’s climate we are too fast to group and discriminate against those who are different than ourselves.
If we want a positive peaceful future, which I believe we all do, we can’t continue being comfortable in our own paradigms. To look into the future is to look at the next generation. If you don’t like what you see then offer an opportunity to change it. It is still your world as long as you’re living in it.